It has been about 5 months since I last posted. I managed to fill my hands with so much stuff I couldn't put it down long enough to type. I can't say the last few months have been the best. I have lost faith in most of what I held closest, but I've resolved to let it build back up. It won't be easy or quick - but maybe someday I will move beyond all of this. For now I will take pleasure in the cursory aspects of relationships until a more solid foundation can be built.
I do not believe that anyone deserves a free pass in life. For everything you do there will be a reaction while at times there may be reward, in others there is reprisal. There is only so much any one person can take - or any one person can do before the curtains are pulled back and the truth is revealed. The main issue is when the curtains are shielding a mirror - and only when one's reflection is accepted can you grow and move on. Only then can you change the patterns of the past and find joy in the future ahead.
Can the past be changed? No. Can it be left behind? No. You are fooling yourself if you think it can be. It is a part of you. Every thing you've done to help people, educate yourself - endanger yourself or hold others down, is a part of who you are. You cannot spew loathing and cruelty without those of whom you speak finding out. You cannot move on without being contrite for the wrong doing. You can turn over a new leaf - but without facing the truth about what you've done or who you are - you will never gain the trust of the people in your life who've shared your journey, your pain, your joy, your past.
It is said that ignorance is bliss, I believe that true bliss is ignorance of self; Having absolutely no concept of your impact on others. What joy there must be for the bull who crashed through the china shop. Does he have any concept of the damage left in his wake; or was he just thrilled to get in a good run and escape unscathed? To be clueless of yourself. To have no concept of personal impact - must be nirvana for the individual, but what kind of hell it must be for those who must coexist in their world.
I cannot change anyone but myself. My sister asked me once how I show love.. easy. I don't lie to you. If you ask me if you look fat, I will tell you the truth. If you want to know what I think about buying a certain car... yep... I'll tell you what I think. Politics? Pull up a chair we'll be here for a while. Life in general? I will tell you what I think, what I would do... however I will not care what path you chose. In the end it is your life and you are responsible for your actions.
So here goes. This year is going to be about taking responsibility. I will no longer swallow miss deeds only to dish them out as resolution for past transgressions. I will not look harshly on the ignorant. I will not hold grudges and I will live in the moment.
Happy New Year